1 Year Later

On this exact day 1 year ago I was wasn’t ready, I wasn’t prepared, I wasn’t expecting what was about to happen. Preeclampsia; which for me meant Induction, which for me meant not on My plan of how I wanted this to go!

By now I think you’ve figured out I am a control freak! I want things my way right then, on schedule, no variations unless noted on paper with at least a 48 hour notice. Well child birth is far from that! As many times as I wrote out a birth plan, asked the doctor a hundred questions, toured the hospital, packed my bags, got the room ready… I still couldn’t control when my sweet baby  would be here and I couldn’t control how the arrival would go either. So sit back relax and enjoy the longest story that I don’t think I’ve even been able to tell.

July 21st
Woke up feeling like crap! I was swollen and achy which hadn’t happened the entire pregnancy. I was SICK  A LOT! Vomited every day once a day for 30 straight weeks, but never sore or swollen! I knew something was wrong right then but I just let it go. I knew I had a doctors appointment that afternoon so I was going to wait until then. I got dressed and went to work, thankfully summer in ag is a little slower so I had an easy day.
The moment I headed to leave for the doctor it all felt different. I was nervous, which wasn’t normal. I called and asked my husband to go with me but he was super busy so I told him I would just let him know the update after I left the doctor but to make sure he had the car and bags ready just in case.
Got to the doctor and it turned into a whirlwind!

7/21/15 3:00pm:
Nurse gets my weight and tells me I don’t look like I’m feeling well. Tell her something feels wrong and I just break out in tears! She takes my blood pressure, doesn’t say a word and runs out the door… *insert confused/terrified face here* Doctor runs in and starts yelling for my nurse to get me a bed at the delivery unit because we are having a baby.
No Dilation, No effaced, Nothing! But 1 word…
Preeclampsia!
Apparently my blood pressure was 160ish/90ish and my swelling was one of the worse cases he had seen in a while which meant I was on the fast track to a hospital bed. He told me to get to my car and drive straight to get something to eat (I drove to BK and had about 2 bites, thanks for the advice Doc!) then straight to the hospital and check in at maternity! This was proabably one of the scariest demands I had ever heard! I was bawling! Think Kim K ugly cry times 100000! Call the hubby and can’t breathe, trying to tell him to get our shit and get to the hospital. I’m pretty sure all he heard was wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Poor guy!

Fast forward past checking in and waiting for a room…

7/21/15 9:00pm:
Get an implant to help soften my uterus that has to stay in for 8 hours.
Toss and turn all night. Up and down to pee. Up and down to walk and re position.
7/22/15 5:00am:
Implant is removed and they figure out it did NOTHING. Not a damn thing but make me uncomfortable all night. Start me on Pitocin to try and induce labor that way.
7/22/15 7:00am:
Doc comes in and checks my cervix. Still NOTHING! Breaks my water!
Let me just tell you now that is the weirdest feeling I have EVER experienced! It was insane! The worst part is it isn’t a one and done thing. It’s a brake and keeps gushing crap out of your body for hours! At least 2 hours I felt like I was peeing all over my self and the bed.
7/22/15 11:00am:
Doc comes back in and stillllll NOTHING! He is starting to look a little more concerned but hasn’t actually said anything. At this point I’m still on pitocin but at an extremely high rate but he says to up it and give it a few more hours. Here come the tears again! I am a nervous wreck because I don’t want a C-Section and because I also still have had no pain meds. I was determined my entire pregnancy that I didn’t want any meds that I was going to take it all like a champ! And that all lasted until…
7/22/15 2:00pm:
Nurse decides to change my contraction monitors. I was on external and she wanted to do the internals… which hurts like someone is stabbing you in the uterus with a burning knife! This entire time I had been watching the monitor screen which shows me all the other ladies on the floor and their contractions compared to mine. I was no where close to their level yet so I was thinking to my self that I’m not dealing with pain yet so don’t be a baby and to suck it up… Well that internal monitor went in and I watched my contractions shoot above theirs like a rocket and I started bawling again! At that point hubby told the nurse I was getting an epidural whether I wanted it or not, his demand. Which saved my ass in the long run, Thanks babe!
7/22/15 2:30pm:
Epidural. Which doesn’t hurt near as bad as the internal monitors. Worse part was it got put in wrong so I could still feel everything on my left side… Feeling contractions on only one side of your body is way worse then feeling both. But… They fixed it pretty fast.
7/22/15 5:30pm:
Doctor comes in for the final time and here is where I got the worst news I think I had ever heard… “You are maxed out on pitocin, your dilation hasn’t moved, so you are getting a C-section.” Cue MORE tears and more tears and more heart falling to my feet! At this point you feel like a failure! I felt as if I worked so hard to have the perfect dream birth and it was all gone! In my head I had the whole thing imagined as this: Hubby standing next to me holding my hand while I scream and push out our sweet baby. Why? Because this is what I grew up hearing. I didn’t know C-sections were even a thing until I was in my adult years. For almost my entire life I had been conditioned to think natural birth is the only way to have a baby and when I was told I would be fulfilling that idea I lost it! I kept apologizing to my husband, telling him I tried my best and I didn’t mean to let him down. (Note: He didn’t even care, he just wanted me safe and our sweet baby here and healthy.)
Then the best thing that could’ve happened at that moment did. We got a delivery; flowers, from Washington. (This is the first time I am crying typing this because it’s so vivid and they were so needed.) The only other one person I had wanted there through all of this was (aside from hubby) my best friend and due to distance she wasn’t able to make it but right when I needed her most, there she was! In the form of a basket of flowers and a flooding of prayers and I knew right then it was all going to be alright no matter how I had this baby.
Note: We didn’t allow people to be at the hospital with us. We have a HUGE family so we just told everyone no! We actually didn’t have visitors until 7/23/15 at 9:00am when my dad showed up and even once we started letting people come see us we were very exclusive on who was allowed! Call us crazy but we wanted our time with our baby before the world came in. May seem cruel or mean but I don’t regret it one single bit!
7/22/15 6:25pm:
Hubby is suiting up in full gear to accompany me to surgery. I’m getting pumped full of meds and wheeled back to the surgery room. I’m laying there and hubby comes in, surgery has already started and I’m sick as a dog. Whatever they are doing between meds and muscle movement has made me sick. I’m puking and shaking like a leaf in a fall storm. Then just like magic here she is!
7/22/15 6:37pm:
Our blue eyed, darked haired, sweet baby girl is here!! She is screaming, hubby and I are bawling and the world is standing still! At that very moment nothing else mattered. It didn’t matter that I didn’t have things the way I wanted. It didn’t matter that I was sick or shaking and couldn’t hold her till the meds wore off. All that mattered was that she was here and healthy and safe and so beautiful!

Fast forward to now:

7/21/16 10:50am:
We are doing party prep and I’ve done nothing but cry for the last week. I can’t believe it’s been a year! Time doesn’t wait for anyone and that takes a whole new meeting as a mother. Her life has changed mine and I wouldn’t want it any other way. She is so smart and perfect and looks just like her daddy. No matter how scary it has been and how much I don’t know what I am doing it is all still amazing. God blessed us with such a special gift and there aren’t enough ways to repay him for that!

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Things I Figured Out at 5am

Last night I decided I was going to get up early today and go for a walk. I went to bed around 7:30pm and when the alarm went off at 5am I was bright eyed and bushy tailed! & here are the things I figured out on this early morning…

It’s EARLY. I didn’t think waking up 1.5 hours early would make a big difference but DAMNNNNNNN did it make a differnce! Good news is I only hit the snooze once!

I realized I HATE the alarm on my phone! My 6:30 alarm goes off with my clock radio but since I don’t know how to change the time on it I had to use my phone… Well it was the DEVIL! Not OKAY! I’ll be working on figuring out my clock realllllly soon!

Setting out my clothes was the best decision I made. I think if I would’ve had to dig around for clothes I wouldn’t have went! The I don’t want to wake the hubby excuse would’ve fit perfect then and I didn’t even get to use it!

My house is DARK! I paid good money for blackout curtains and boy do they work! Well enough that I ran into the wall, tripped over the dogs, and smashed into door frames multiple times! Curtains 1 – Me 0

My dog is more of a crab ass in the mornings than I am! I forced her to go with me because her harness is getting tighter and she could use the workout too… Bad idea! She did nothing but mope for the first 5 mins because we weren’t going for a ride but actually doing exercise.  Lazy!

Birds aren’t afraid of my dog… This is a sad deal! You would think when you own a 50lb lab/boxer/pit/mutt mix that something as simple as a bird would be afraid of it… Nope. Got within about 5 ft from some pigeons this morning and they didn’t even budge. Looking right at her and nothing. She has officially lost all street cred I thought she had.

My neighborhood of 200ish houses is quiet as can be at 5am. No joke I didn’t see a single person, car, or dog until 6 when I was headed back home. Even the main road  that boarders us was silent. It was AWESOME!! Peaceful doesn’t even begin to cover it!

The train runs at 5:30 and you can hear it for miles when there aren’t any cars.

The swarms of gnats don’t come out until the sun does. I had no problem with bugs until the sun started to rise then I turned into a buffet for the fuckers!
Accurate picture…

I need to change the batteries in my garage door key pad… It didn’t work this morning when I tried to close the garage… so this is more of a note to self.

Most important thing is I figured out I can do it! I can get up at 5am and work on getting my shit together. Today is the first day in a long time that I am sitting at work happy. I blame endorphins but no matter what it’s a step toward progress. That extra 1.5 hours has already made a difference in my day and I can’t wait to see how every day from here on out goes. && Earning the little trophies at the end of my walk was so rewarding. I mean who knew fake trophies would be the BEST!

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❤ Tiffany

 

Things That Grind My Gears: Part 1

Anyone with a pulse has things that drive them insane. Sometimes it’s big stuff, others small. I am a very irritable person but I have a high tolerance so I am able to keep my mouth shut… Now that I’ve said that out loud I realize I don’t keep my mouth shut as much as I think I do… I bitch A LOT, Whoops!

So without further ado here it is… Things that grind my gears!

1) Things that have no purpose.

IE buttons on a romper that don’t actually secure anything.

They are just there for decoration… But in my opinion decorations should be flowers, butterflies, skulls… ya know the normal. NOT Buttons. They flop around or fall off and it just ends bad, like Jumanji… It was set up for a sequel and it’s been 20 years since it’s release and we still don’t have a damn sequel. BUT it’s too late now because who will play Robin Williams part?! No ONE is the answer! No one can replace him, he was a damn genius!

2) Odd numbers!
Radios, TV volume, etc These are meant to have even numbers… At least for my sanity!
10, 12, 18, 20
Noticed I skipped a few right? Because there is an exception!! 5! 5 is exceptable because it is half way! Don’t make me explain it it just works for my poor OCD brain.

While we are on the radio thing…

3) Songs that are on different radio stations at the same damn time!!
Example: I can’t handle sad songs like “You Should Be Here” by Cole Swindell; So it comes on 95.5 so I IMMEDIATELY change the station… lo and behold its on 100.3 and 101.5 all at the same. damn. time! It’s like they stalk each other and know that the other is playing the same song so they’ll show them and play it too! STUPID!

Oh and more radio…

4) Live music on the radio! If I wanted to listen to live music I would go to a show! The bad echos, people singing off pitch, and clapping just because someone sang “the” for a longer than average time period annoys me beyond belief! UGHHHH!

He is happy about the singing.. me not so much!

Note: I have 3 points on radio and I am only in the car for my daily commute a total of 30 minuets round trip… Slowly figuring out why I’m a mess… Oh boy!

5)Velcro I hate it!! Don’t know why but it is just dumb! Amazing invention but not for me. The sound it makes is like nails on a chalk board! Ughhhhh! Oh and it take up too much room for it’s purpose. See below!

Nasty!

6)Guys in white sunglasses. Enough said. Douche.

(Sorry to the guy in this picture if he ever sees this but you really do look ridiculous so you walked into it!)

7)People who show up at my place of work and expect me to tell them what they should buy…

The answer in my head every. single. time.

Sheldon: “Just pick out anything? Maybe at the same time we can pick out a new suit for him without knowing his size, or pick out his career for him without knowing his aptitude, or pick out a new breakfast cereal without knowing his fiber requirements or his feelings about little marshmallows.”

If you are showing up here I expect you to know why you arrived. You have to have a general purpose or idea not just “I need fertilizer tell me what I need…”

The accuracy of the above GIF is way to on point!

I’m sure there are more things I could humor you with but I’ll stop here. I’m sure some day there will be a part 2 because there is a whole world out there of things to annoy me!

❤ Tiffany

 

 

 

 

 

Anniversary of Birth

 

As the official anniversary of my day of birth is upon me I am currently in a hot mess state of mind! So that means this post will be a hot mess, too!

I am not one who loves birthdays AT ALLLLL!!
Hell I cried when I turned 18 because I was officially an adult!
I look at age as a curse.
Why you ask?? Well this is why…

I'm 21, but I'll still be like this in a few months.:

I CAN’T HANG!

I know, I know, silly. It’s true though! I drink one mixer and I’m ready for bed not round two! If I stay up past 9pm I am the biggest grump the next day! I need my sleep! Judge away! I know I should enjoy some time on the town but I don’t. All I think about when I’m out is that this isn’t part of my schedule, why are people making a big deal of me being old, and the waiter is probably spitting in our food/drinks because we are being too obnoxious! This should sum it up…

I have no words to describe today:

OH, BUT… This is my reaction all day when people are telling me happy birthday…

llama meme - Google Search:

 

This is how I wish people who address my birthday…

 

Happy Birthday you ageless wonder!:

 

I mean if you talked to me in this fashion I would love the day! I need some flattering along with my congrats for not kicking it this year! Like hey bitch you did it! You aged but you still got this! Happy birthday just doesn’t do it! Unlesssssssss it’s like this…

Leonardo DiCaprio says Happy Birthday ♡:

Leo isn’t my type but I knew Bree would appreciate his appearance! He’s handsome and I would probably fall over if  he called me and said happy birthday but he still doesn’t do it for me… sorry classy men of the world, try it somewhere else!

 

Want to know what I’m really looking forward to as I age?

This!

This will be the life!!

 

Birthday humor - Lmao, can't wait to send this to someone!:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Perfect Housewife

Done! Blunt cards   Ecards:

Depending on your age you may or not be aware of the expectation placed on women of past generations. If you aren’t let me enlighten you:

This pamphlet is REAL! Our mothers and grandmothers were expected to follow this list like the 10 Commandments! I don’t know about you but this makes my blood boil! Why did the man get to do anything he wanted without question? Why was he able to not come home all night and she have no right to say a word about it? Why should she not be able to speak about her problems but he could say whatever he wanted and she just had to listen quietly? Why was she forced to greet him with a smile when he was possibly the biggest asshole on the block?

The way I see it if they wanted this life they should’ve gotten a DOG NOT A WIFE!

Home is where the dog is. Free Printable for Personal Use Only. #freeprintable:

&& You have to get a dog NOT a cat because a cat is evil!

These Hilarious Cartoons Absolutely Nail What It's Like To Live With A Cat:

SEE TOLD YOU!

***

 I think men have such an obscured idea of what a wife should be. They believe we should be Betty Homemakers or something of the sort. If you are, GO YOU! I’m sure a part of you is dying inside to have fun, to let loose, to breathe without worrying you will crack your foundation! If you ask my husband I’m sure he would say I’m a great wife but I don’t kiss his ass for him to see me that way.

Do I make sure there is a meal on the table nightly?
Yes, 90% of the time it is even home cooked.
Do I wake up and make sure he has a meal before we leave for work?
Yes, 90% of the time it’s even fresh and hot.
(I even made pancakes this morning.)
Do I keep a clean house so he doesn’t have to deal with clutter and dirt?
Yes, but I don’t fold laundry, just ask the pile in the corner of our room.
Do I do all of this with a smile on face?
Not always! It’s 50/50 on whether I am enjoying it or cussing because I just burnt myself on the stove or tripped over the vacuum cord.
Why do I do all of these things? Because I want to! No one forced me to do these things, he doesn’t expect them of me by any means. I wasn’t even taught by example. I am more “housewife” material than any lady I know.
(Except Bree, she kicks my ass with playing the “Good Wife” role! But that isn’t expected of her either! She does it because she loves it.)

***

Even with the way times have changed why do men still EXPECT this of women??
It’s not 1955 and if this was published as an article today woman would start burning their bras all over again.
I blame their moms.
Now before you get all, “I can’t believe that bitch just called me out!” let me finish.
They pamper their boys! Admit it! I have watched it first hand my entire life!
Most boys can get away with anything when it comes to their moms. Cussing, dirty rooms, “forgetting” chores, tracking in mud, whatever the situation may be… You may get mad at them for 2.5 but aren’t you the ones that come behind them and clean up the mess? Aren’t you the one sweeping up the mud, gathering the laundry from their rooms, taking out the trash they didn’t because they “forgot”, and all while cooking dinner because they don’t know how?
I thought so.
Even Campbell’s Soup knows you did it! Just watch the link!

https://youtu.be/C3C1r95q55s?t=1s

If you had a boyfriend who EXPECTED all of this of you, what would you do? I’m sure you wouldn’t make him your husband. You’d tell him he was crazy and walk away laughing.
So why are you conditioning your son to be that man?
Think about it.

***

Oh and as far as the final rule to being a good wife…

“A good wife always knows her place.”

My place is teaching my daughter to be a strong independent woman.
My place is standing beside my husband, assisting him, not serving him!
More importantly…
My place is where I want it to be! 

Bye Felicia

Harboring anger or pain only hurts the one who keeps it close to their heart. -Katie Lirette:

Today’s quote brought to you by The Lion King. Not really because I’m sure that Rafiki never even thought about saying the quote above but I just love that damn monkey!

***

“Asante sana Squash banana, Wiwi nugu Mi mi apana!”- Rafiki

Now that’s a direct quote! Not sure what it means but I love it! I mean, how can you go wrong with that kind of gibberish?!

Sorry, Side tracked like always… now days I blame “mom brain”… Trust me IT’S REAL!! Now back to the real point!

***

Along with my newly discovered fitness journey I have been working on a mental one. I am learning to let go and move on! This has to be one of the hardest adventures I have ever endeavored. I am the person who STILL thinks about the stupid thing I said to the random person at Target 10 YEARS AGO! I fixate on dumb things and letting go is a for sure struggle.

Forgiving is another thing I need help with.

I HOLD GRUDGES! I don’t like it but I just do. I am still upset that Benny broke up with me in the 1st grade because he wasn’t allowed to have a girlfriend. I think to this day if I saw him I would bring up the fact that he “broke my heart” at age 7.

Jerk.

Recently, I have realized that all these little things are affecting my mental stability more than anyone else’s.  I think the word I am looking for here is “Toxic”. Not like that bomb-ass Britney Spears song in 2003 but more like BP polluting the ocean in 2010.  The people who have done me wrong over the years could care less that I was hurt and I still think about the stupid crap that happened. The person at Target probably didn’t even realize what I said, let alone how dumb it was. So why should I hold onto these things?

Answer: I shouldn’t!

Simple answer… tough execution.

So… here I am attempting to start fresh, for me. Not anyone else but, ME! Maybe, when I lay in bed at night I won’t be thinking about Benny or the Target person or any of the other 9845674865834720934734 stupid things that I have been holding on to and I can get sleep. Actual sleep. The kind that comes naturally within 30 mins of laying my head on the pillow, not the kind that is brought on by benedryl and tylenol pm.

How you may ask?

Writing has been the first outlet. I have started writing down all these little thoughts that come to mind as I think of them. Once I write them down they seem to be less relevant and I don’t seem to fixate on them anymore.

The larger more current issues?

I work them out. I don’t mean with the person, I mean when I workout I beat the hell out of those issues. Sounds weird I know but when I’m sweating my ass off on the elliptical and I start getting upset over the problems that seem so big I work harder. I get upset and I start running faster, I kick up the tension level, and I bust my ass and eventually the endorphins take over and the problems are gone.  Do they come back? Occasionally, but not until that same person or issue is brought to my attention again.

Which brings me to my next solution…

Get rid of those issue.

I am starting to become a big fan of letting people go. You know that one (or two or more) person that sucks you into all their drama, so all their problems become your problems?? You get worked up because their baby daddy did something with someone else’s baby mama and so and so is a piece of shit and you hate that unknown person that you never met because your friend hates them too?

Yeah, I’m done!

BYE FELICIA!

You my “friend” are cut from the program.

I am interrupting your current tv programming with an important message from our sponsors…

I DON’T NEED YOUR SHIT ANYMORE!

Didn’t get it yet??

No, okay.

I DON’T CARE!

My mental health can’t take your toxicity anymore and I’M DONE.

I have probably already cut out about 15 people. How many friends does that leave me with? Probably 5 if I’m lucky. Do I care? Not really. Used to I would have been distraught by the idea of people hating me but then I realized they are only mad at me because they aren’t happy with themselves. The toxic people in my life were dragging me down. I have started to surround myself with people who are uplifting, who motivate me to be a better person, who don’t have drama because they have similar goals in life. Drama free, mental stability, happiness, the list could go on with positive things!

Has it all worked?

Slowly but surely I feel my self thinking happier thoughts, I am off the Prozac, and I spend less time typing angry text messages.

Do I miss those people?

No. I thought I would but I was wrong. I am a lot happier and I feel like I’m starting to figure out who I am without all the bull clouding my mind.

This hasn’t been an overnight thing. It’s been going on for months now and I still struggle and I still have to try really hard some days but it’s a start.

❤ Tiffany

 

Welcome!

IMG_1910

Welcome!!

I am new to the blogging world just like I am new to a lot of things in my life lately! But here goes nothing!

I’m excited to start this journey with everyone and figure out where this outlet can take me. I never thought I would be the person to talk about my life and feelings online. Heck! I don’t even have a Facebook!  BUTTTT here I am, newbie to the blog world.

I want to use this to talk about life, vent a little, update you on my sweet girl and all the fun that comes with having her, as well as the new fitness journey my family is about to embark on.

There is no telling what you will find here. But it should never be boring that’s for sure!! So if you are interested in what is to come feel free to follow along and join me on living the life of a new mom!

❤ Tiffany